I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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