I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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