**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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