She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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