so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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