i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
