i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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