I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
