New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
