No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
