I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
