Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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