today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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