Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
