Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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