You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
