I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
