The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
