I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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