so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
