Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
