so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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