you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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