if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
