Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
