all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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