careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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