My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
