youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
