the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
