i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
