the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
