the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Are my feet made of real feet?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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