There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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