Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
