The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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