New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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