i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
