It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
