tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
