Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
