I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
