I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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