I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
