last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
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