Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
