After last night, I could never be a politician.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
