I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
