You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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