I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
