Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
