Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
