you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
